Somewhere In Between
by potatoes-are-not-for-sex
Summary: Sometimes days pass like a dream, the miracle of their love enveloping them in good fortune. Other times, their every though seems doomed, bound to a path of self-destruction and failure. And sometimes, they live together, somewhere in between. PHAN one-shots for each letter of the alphabet. Rated T for language and mature themes. Prompt requests now open for letters after B!


**A is for Acceptance**

_- for NeverlandNat _

_I sort of ended up going slightly tangenty from your prompt! But I hope you like it :)_

**Please note: This represents a fictional situation and does not reflect any real people / their opinions or actions**

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Phil slams the door shut behind him, resting for a moment with his back pressed against the wood, chest heaving from running faster than he has in years. He's biting his lower lip; unshed tears burning in the corners of his eyes, gazing at the ceiling, willing himself with every iota of his strength not to cry. He can feel the need for a good sob welling up in his chest, clawing it's way to his mouth, his nose, his eyes, trying to take hold and pull him under.

"Is that you Phil?" Dan's voice carries from the kitchen, cheery and tired, as he always is these days. Thursday nights he's at the bar- or he will be in about twenty minutes, and after a morning radio show, it's little wonder he's exhausted by the time he gets home early the next day.

Just his voice, that's all it takes for a single drop to leak down his cheek and he quickly straightens up, smearing the wetness on the back of his grubby sleeve, too stubborn to allow himself assistance. "Yep!" Phil's relieved to hear that his voice sounds relatively normal, "Coming one sec!" He darts into the bathroom, horrified to greet his pink, mottled skin and swollen eyes in the mirror. Turning on the tap, he splashes the cold water onto his face and tries to bring down his racing heartbeat.

"Phil?" The bathroom door creaks open before he has time to react and then Dan is there, perfect and beautiful, concern casting a murky shadow over his features. He'd assumed Dan would have already left, but he wasn't thinking too clearly and had gotten his times wrong. Palms pressed into the bench either side of the sink, Phil's gaze remains fixed on the bar of soap beside the still running tap, infuriated by his eyes and his heart, both on the verge of giving way once more to tears.

"Phil, what's wrong? Are you okay?" Dan walks over and turns off the water. Phil can hear the concern laced heavily into every word, biting across the short distance between them, curdling his lungs- which only makes him feel worse. _This_ is why he needed check properly what time it was, needed make sure Dan was gone before he came back, a wreck. Because as much as he wants to hear that, the distress and the urgency, the way he knows that Dan will hold him and make it all better, Phil hates how weak he's become.

"I visited my parents today." Dan is taken aback by how cold Phil's voice is. It's obvious that he's upset, but his boyfriend has never been one to turn away in times of need or block Dan out. The only explanation that comes to mind is that something he's done has offended Phil, but as he swiftly sifts through the day's events, to his frustration he can't find even the smallest thing that could have cause this- they've barely seen each other since they left the BBC recording studio. Dan had an interview with a small magazine, nothing fancy, and Phil was meeting up with his family for lunch. Dan had honestly not expected to see him again till the next day- Phil was never good at staying up late, and was usually fast asleep by the time Dan got home after the late shift.

"Is it, because we haven't seen each other so much recently? I'm sorry that it's this way Phil, but until we get our bills sorted out I need to keep the job at the-"

"It's not that." Phil knows he's being frustrating but he can't help himself. The tension has build so far inside him that the humiliation and the pain is primed to fire, like a tightly coiled spring, and Dan is the unlucky recipient.

"I told them." Dan almost gasps in shock, but tries to hide it, not wanting to stop Phil from talking, but he needn't bother- it was all pouring out now, molten and burning hot.

"Yeah, I told them. My parents; the ones who disowned my aunt because she got an abortion and petitioned _against _gay marriage. The ones who told me specifically that they were so glad they didn't have a faggot son, that at least they had some manner of sensibility left in their house. I told them I'm gay, told them I've always been gay. They didn't believe me at first, fancy that, but I went on in detail! I explained to them that I have a boyfriend, that I regularly have sex with him, that I _love_ him," he pauses to scoff, trying to ignore the injured look that it provokes from Dan, "Like they'd even have the slightest idea what love is, they basically had an arranged marriage of because it suited them!"

He pauses for a breath, almost daring Dan to interrupt him, but he knows better and waits patiently, trying to keep his posture and expression open. It's important that Phil has the space to get this out of his system, even if a violent deluge is the only way he can do that.

"My mum didn't say anything. She just sat there, cowing beside my dad, stroking her bracelet like it was a better child than I'd ever been. You know what's really twisted? I'm pretty sure she knew. How fucked up is that?" Dan flinches, for some reason swear words pierce like daggers when they fall from Phil's lips. "She knew, her own son... but she didn't say a word. Dad was furious, like I've never seen him. He yelled and yelled till he was red in the face, and then some more. He said I was pathetic, that I was disgusting and an abhorrence. He said that biology should have wiped us fags out by now, how could a mutation like gays still exist? He- he said they should have seen this coming, that I was always a disappointment, always letting them down, letting the family down…"

He chokes off into small sobs, and Dan makes a motion as if to reach up and hold his hand but Phil jerks away, taking stumbled steps backwards until he is flush against the bathroom wall.

"Then Uncle James turned up with the cousins. I had forgotten they were coming. Dad ordered Mum to get the door and he pulled me into the back yard by my collar, he-," the tears are falling heavily by now, wetting his collar, "He warned me never to come near the boys again, or he'd have me put in jail. He told me he could get the evidence, find the testimonies- Henry's only 6! I would never do anything to them, they're my cousins, what on earth was he on about, how could I think of them in that way? And I said that, I said just that, and-"

The tears win over again, and Phil struggles to make the words out, chewing his lower lip to pieces. After a moment, he tilts his head back and whispers so quietly that Dan can barely be sure he's heard the statement correctly.

"He said all cock-sucking perverts are the same, so why should this one be any different."

Dan lurches forward just as Phil's knees give way, his arms closing protectively around his waist and shoulders, guiding him closer. They end up in an awkward huddle on the tiles, Dan kneeling with Phil's face pressed below his collarbone, silently soaking his shirt. His hand circle against the fabric of his shirt in small, soothing circles, and his mouth whispers comforting nonsense into Phil's ear, trying for the both of them to be convincing in murmuring, "It's all going to be okay."

Lie number one.

"We'll be able to work this out"

Number two.

But sometimes lies are what we need to face the truth.

Phil's shoulders slowly relax, and his neck curls against Dan's chest. With a deep sigh, he pressed back to look into Dan's face, his insecurity searching avidly for any sign of disapproval or disgust. He is surprised to see tears falling from the deep brown eyes and reaching up, he runs a finger along Dan's cheek, questioning his reaction.

Dan shrugs, "I guess I just love you, and when you're hurt, I'm hurt. What makes you sad- that makes me sad too." Phil's finger makes a hasty retreat, and he starts murmuring apologies, his body curling inwards, shame rearing it's ugly head. But Dan's having none of it. He pulls Phil's arms over his shoulders, wrapping his own tight around his waist, until they are pressed together, ear to ear.

"You see, it's all part of being together. That's what we get- everything; every sad and wretched moment, every laugh and every miracle too. That's love- even if some people aren't lucky enough to get that, or even understand what a gift it is,"

He leans his face towards Phil's, pressing a small kiss to the side of his neck, "I am."

Some people love words, some love the way they fall through the air, or the way they join to music to make strangers cry. Other people hate them and hide away from them for their entire lives, petrified by their power. But there are some, like Dan, who have that special gift of words, and know just which ones to use to stich everything back together.

Even then, it's almost an hour before they leave the bathroom, despite Phil protesting that he can't let Dan miss work. To this, he replies that his work place is full of drunkards and a handsome lad like himself can do better. Phil actually lets out a small, muffled giggle at that, tentatively kissing his cheek. He agrees on the handsome part, but adds vain to Dan's mock protest. Their mumbled conversation coaxes comfort back into their lives, pointedly ignoring the issue. Issues are a nasty business, only the very clearest and contented of minds can properly deal with an issue, which is precisely how Dan suggests they go about resolving the situation Phil's family. Phil stiffens up a little when Dan brings it up, but silently nods his agreement, which is consent enough for Dan, who hoists him up from the floor and drags him into their bed.

They lie there in their clothes and shoes, watching the ceiling and sharing their breaths, until sleep slides slowly over them both. Dan holds out as long as he can, watching the rise and fall of the boy beside him, when a thought suddenly crosses his mind. He never even said it-

"I'm so proud of you. That must have been one of the hardest things you've ever done."

His whispers are lost to the darkness, but he'll repeat them tomorrow and the next day, and the next- until he's sure Phil understands just how wonderful he is. As his lids finally fall shut, his last thought is the sight of Phil's face the first time they kissed- blushingly shy and completely overwhelmed, eyes full of love- and then the darkness of slumber envelops his mind and they are both safe, sleep serving as a shelter from the harsh reality of life.

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_And this was originally going to be a collection of 1000 word fics? Got a bit carried away.. n_n I guess I'll just make them long one-shots! One for every letter of the alphabet, starting with A for Acceptance above. _

_Got any ideas for what chapters B and C should be? Let me know and I'll write them! I can't wait to hear what you think of this one, it's a bit more intense than I intended it to be.. but I think it's unfortunately not unrealistic and quite awful! _

_Anyway, hopefully a happier one next time! Until then, thanks for reading my lovelies _

_xxx panfs_


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